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Saturday, August 8, 2015

You are very, very, very angry

You, are angry. You have never, in fact, been angrier in your life. You're angry at the elderly, for their thirty extra years. You're angry at the bitter, for their wasted time. You're angry at the heedless, who complain in front of you about their lives.

Tanya smash
You are angry at the future, for going on without you.

You are angry at your husband, for his inability to understand, for his every wasted word, for his getting to go on after you're gone. Your husband is angry. You are angry at his anger.

You are angry at your children, for needing you far beyond however long you can promise to be there for them. You are angry because these promises, the daily, mundane promises of parenthood, are specifically denied you.

You are angry at your mother, who seems to be coping through an artful blend of denial and absence. You are angry at yourself for behaving the same way.

You are angry at everything, but most of all, you are angry at yourself. You are furious, in fact, to the point of clenched-fisted, nails-dug-in-palms, fitful paroxysms of self-loathing. You have always, always always! stopped just short of fulfilling your own promise. And now this: The coup de gras. The moment you were going to step back into the workforce, start kicking into the kids' college funds, sell a book or two. Write a few more . . .

Smash! Terminal diagnosis. Smash! You're set to abandon your children, your husband, your mother. Your life! Smash.

You have always been a positive personyou consider happiness a choice and you've always chosen itbut there are limits to the logic of this practice. How positively can you spin an MFA you can't use, a trilogy you'll never finish, a life you'll never live?



  1. Thank you for your raw honesty.

  2. I am reading...but can't figure out what to say. But I hear you.

  3. At a loss what I may say.... 'Thank you for sharing' what so many have yet to go through is a good choice....Maybe future patients may learn from you?

    How may I help?

  4. Tanya, to try say anything would be futile. I've stayed away from your blog recently because I too am angry! I had planned to meet you, we talked about you visiting, even coinciding a trip with Hilary. Everyday I wonder if I can find some way of funding a trip to come see you. I too am angry that finances get in the way of all the important stuff you REALLY want to do but instead you get screwed from every angle! I'm so angry money is causing you to be so angry when all your energy should be spent on doing beautiful and happy things with Adam and the kids. ANGRY ALONG WITH YOU!