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Sunday, July 19, 2015

Being this

I'm writing a letter to someone which requires me to divulge the state of my health. I've crossed out "terminally" in front of the "ill" or exchanged it for ''very''. Or extremely. Because, how do you say, I'm seriously too sick to do that job I promised or nope, I probably won't be around on that date. At all. Anywhere. How do you say "I'm literally dying" in a way that doesn't kill the other person?
And then I began to realize that it's kind of none of my business to keep others safe from my news. It's just news and I'm just the messenger.
Lately, simply being the messenger has become a straight up time management problem. I decided to blog about my treatment because, as the friends around me saw, I needed one place to tell everyone what they needed to hear.
So here's where I am:
I have a Stent in my esophagus, which is keeping it open and me alive
I have a port implanted that allows them to deliver chemo  directly into the heart of the beast. Er, me.
I have chemo next Wednesday to Friday. I get to bring the meds home overnight--a sleepover!--in the form of some kind of fannypack. A fanny pack they're calling it. Sounds cute, right? Hmmmm. 

By their measurement, I'm sure a fanny pack equates to a full-on mountaineering back pack. Complete with dining tent.

14 comments:

  1. Tanya, I think about you all the time and wonder how you're dealing with all of this. Thank you so much for sharing. It is brave and thoughtful.

    This blog will undoubtedly help a lot of people. Not only people who are "very" ill but people who are unsure of what to say in times like these and choose sometimes to say nothing at all. We can only imagine what it feels like to be you right now, but I know first hand that it is important to talk about it...even if you have to bumble along a bit...which you have never done...haha. Even if you were to bumble along it would somehow come out brilliant. You use your words so elegantly. You are the amazing and talented Tanya!

    One more thing. I know you are an Atheist but I seem to remember that you also believe in the power of prayer. I'm the same as you like that. I am praying to the power of life itself I guess. I'm praying for my friend who has already given so much to this world but who has somehow just begun.

    My heart tells me that it's not your time to leave us and I pray that I'm right.


    Brenda
    ...remembering good times in Newmarket, ON

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    Replies
    1. My dear, sweet friend, I'll take any prayers, well wishes and/or advice you have.

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  2. Keep blogging. Yes. This is a gift to yourself and to all of those who care for you. Thank you. I will be reading every word, and I am holding you in my heart.

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  3. I'm listening everyday Tanya. You are never far from my thoughts, not out of pity but because I want you to feel all my strength to help you literally fight for your life! Good luck with the chemo next week
    Love Bindu x

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  4. I think it was Mark Twain who said to replace 'very' with 'damn'. ♡

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    Replies
    1. I think the "fucking" is earned, don't you?
      <3 You, Tracy

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    2. I think the "fucking" is earned, don't you?
      <3 You, Tracy

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  5. I just wanted to leave a comment so I wouldn't feel like a creepy stalker. We have a mutual friend on facebook who linked to your blog. I don't know you, but I'm reading -- thank you for sharing.

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  6. You're exactly right about being the messenger. I went through the same thing with Kelmy. They have to understand that you don't have the energy to pamper them, you are the one who needs to be pampered.

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    Replies
    1. I know you've been here too, Shane :(
      So sorry about Kelmy, still.

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    2. I know you've been here too, Shane :(
      So sorry about Kelmy, still.

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